I want to start off by saying I truly love and appreciate my pregnancy. As much as I hate the hormonal changes, and quite a few other things, I understand the difficulties others go through and the constant stress they endure to try and have a child. I’m not trying to take for granted the fact that even though we have gone through a couple of miscarriages, we have been 100% successful with one pregnancy and we are about 75% successful with this one. #Gratitude
With that being stated I’d like to dive right into lists of things. Let me know if you relate to any of these, pregnant or not.
I currently hate the following about being Quarantined & Pregnant:
- Bending over
- Putting shoes & socks on
- Rolling over – clearly I have no abdominal strength
- Picking things up off the ground, especially if I’m already sitting
- Walking too much
- Walking too little
- Getting off Snuggle Bear (our couches)
- Walter kicking my stomach EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I change him
- Weather going from HOT to cold
- Not working
- Getting tired from doing a minimal amount of work/movement
- How mad I get at Dave for leaving only a dozen cookies
- How much I cry while watching… ANYTHING
- Constant worrying if I am doing everything correctly
- Knowing I’m not and the guilt that comes with it
- Not seeing family / friends
Things that I love about being Quarantined & Pregnant:
- Adding to our little family
- Adorable clothes (for me and baby #2)
- People carrying things for me
- Strangers letting me cut them in line
- Randoms carrying things to my car
- Kicks, flutters, and heartbeats
- The fact that Walter is so little yet is about to be a big brother
- Picking out nursery items
- Not working
- No additional excuses to not want to do something (aka leaving my house)
Things I am looking forward to after this is over:
- The future of our Quaranteam
- Seeing people
- Eating a full plate of food, or 4
- Eating at restaurants
- MORE coffee
- Sour beer
- Getting back into shape
These lists can overlap each other with those that are not pregnant and just quarantined. They can also be understood years from now, or years ago, when you were just pregnant and not quarantined.
Headed back to the doctors this week. I was there for a total of about 15 minutes. It was wonderful in that I didn’t feel like I was rushed and there were no other patients.
I walk in with my mask on and the first thing I had to do was sit in a small wooden chair across from the receptionist’s desk. She came over and took my temperature. It looked good so I was allowed in. Quick run to the bathroom and scale (YIKES!) and into the room for a BP test and then waited for the doctor to appear.
The doctor donned scrubs and a mask, which was extremely surprising because the only other time I saw him like this was when I was giving birth to Walter. Usually he is in dress pants, shirt, tie, and jacket. He asked me how I was doing. I told him I was feeling much better, and still working on getting back to being 100%. He said that I look more at ease and pulling me out of work was the best decision for me. Both of us thrilled I am home for the duration of this pregnancy.
He checked for Baby #2’s heartbeat; loud and clear. Then measured me; all is well. I asked a couple of random questions, made another appointment, and I was out of there.
Good part of all of this is that it was quick but didn’t feel rushed out the door, got the best information I could for this appointment, and above all: baby is healthy!
Bad part of it; get this, I didn’t mention it. I am now looking back almost a week later as I type this and I don’t feel the anxiety I did when I was heading there.
Why do I keep feeling this way?
Not having Dave with me again was very difficult. My finger’s are crossed and my heart is hopeful for next time. Praying the bans will be lifted by then. While I was traveling to this appointment my heart was racing. It felt heavy on many different levels. During both pregnancies I have found out that another woman’s child didn’t make it. They were over 36 weeks in both accounts. Almost at the end, everything prepped, everyone excited for the phone call that they were going into labor. Instead, the calls that the family members received were that they were no longer going to be grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. This is one of my worst nightmares, and I try hard not to think about it, but it gets to me.
You would think that when I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat it would settle my nerves, my racing heart, and my core feelings. It didn’t. I clearly remember trying to ask myself why it didn’t, and couldn’t come up with the answer.
Seeing my counselor
I had a telehealth appointment with my counselor the next day. Do I bring the above feelings up? No. Instead I complain the entire time to her about how guilty I feel about everything else in life. How I can’t help out a lot, I feel inadequate. How I can’t see my family and friends, and when I see the ones that I can I then feel guilty about not seeing the others. I automatically think that if I break my rule and do see people that work in hospitals or are visiting elder friends/family and Walter gets sick and ends up in the hospital… He would be alone. 19 months old, in a little bed, surrounded by people with masks on that he doesn’t even know. How scary and sad.
That thought alone makes me know I am making the right decision to stay home. My job is to protect him as much as I could. That is what I will do. I hate not seeing people, but I know this will be over at some point. I hope that we don’t lose anyone in the process and that all of our family and friends stay healthy through all of this.
My counselor pretty much said the same thing as my sister this week. No one should make you feel guilty or pressured to do what you feel is right for your family. She also mentioned that guilt is a level of anger. I am sure we will dive into that more during one of these sessions.
This keeps happening
Why am I thinking on the negative side of everything? Is my career choice still affecting me? The morbid portion of life that is so small to each individual, but lies heavy inside me when it gets piled on day after day and year after year. Or is it something that I grew up around? Is it just another feeling inside that I need to pay more attention to so I change it. Maybe I’m not as mentally strong (just stubborn at best) as I thought I was.
Here are some images that cheer me up:
Take note that my belly button is already popped out! AHHH
Where are you: quarantined, pregnant, both? Do you agree or disagree with any of the above lists? What would you add to these lists that I may have forgotten? Any tips to get through the hard stuff besides the usual, try not to think about it?